huaaaaaaahhh..........

makes me curious, what kind of future will i live in? it's killing me.

well, as a final-year high school student i'm suffering this dilemma of not (yet) knowing what would i do in my future life. to be precise, this 'future' starts in a year, considering that i will be a college student next year. and the problem is i haven't decided where to go for the study! i've been wanting to study in FKUI (Med School of the University of Indonesia) for the past two years, since i have this personal desire to work as a social worker or someone who serves the country in the direct way, such as the health business (not that the other kinds of business aren't serving the country, i just meant that doctors or medical workers do their jobs directly to their targets of this suffering country).

but i'm so afraid that my dream will only be a dream.. i'm not the smartest girl in the whole school or even in my class, and i don't have that particular expertise in passing most of the school exams just like my boyfriend has, hahaha in fact i got some exam remedials (that's the way my school curriculum goes: there's a passing grade for all exams and we can do remedials if our grade doesn't pass) at the last exam..

not that i haven't been trying... i studied hard, you know. (here goes the whining) ok stop it! too, i have taken a course for the SPMB preparation, which was called BTA. this course holds three tryouts every semester, and we've done the first one around last September. my grade was 37%,, and FYI the passing grade of FKUI last year was 65%. isn't that pretty close?? hahaha...talking about being sarcastic. but it's only the first tryout!!! i still got about a year to study for that 28% gap, right!? hahaha...

i'm having difficulty in choosing my second option for the SPMB, really. it's like my ONLY option is to become a doctor, but it's punching me in the head thinking that the struggle in studying in that school is really, really hard. my mother's friend's daughter told me mam that her life has become something that sounded like studying-life. she has to study everyday, unless she will be far behind her friends (NO!!!). oh god, can i do that??? i'm not that diligent student that study every night or a study-freak....

WHAT SHOULD I DO?? it's becoming stressful, really.. i'll be writing about this again in no time,, hahaha...